Trading and Forex Jokes that will make you laugh

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

The best time to buy anything is last year.

 Customer: “Your watches seem so cheap. Only twenty dollars! How much does it cost to make them?”

Shopkeeper: “They cost me twenty dollars to make them.”

Customer: “But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you sell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in?”

Shopkeeper: “That comes from repairing them.”

 A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”

The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”

The one dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff … church, church, church.”

 Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish

 At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

“Look,” she said. “We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.”

“You’re wrong,” the young man declared. “For the past 5 years I’ve been working in the bank where your father has his account.”

 – How can you be sure you have counterfeit money?
– If its a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.

The problem with statistics
Three statisticians are out pig shooting. They see a large boar in the distance, so they jump out of their truck and level their rifles. The first one fires. A cloud of dirt erupts one metre to the left of the pig. The second one fires. A cloud of dirt erupts one metre to the right of the pig. The third one shouts “we got him!” so they jump back into the truck and drive off.

 Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn’t fire, but shouted in triumph, “We got it! We got it!”

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

 A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it. There a clerk asks him: “Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?”. The guru replies: “I’m feeling rather hungry right now. You’d better cut it into eight pieces.”

 A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota .”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid says “One”.

The boss says “Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”

The kid says “$101, 237.65”.

The boss says “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”

The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’ ”

Lottery
A broker named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, Ben drove up and said,
• Ben: Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.
• Jean Paul: Well, then, just give me the money back,
• Ben: Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.
• Jean Paul: OK, then. Just unload the donkey,
• Ben: What ya going to do with him?
• Jean Paul: I’m going to raffle him off,
• Ben: You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!
• Jean Paul: Sure can. Watch me. I just won’t tell that he’s dead,
A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked,
• Ben: What happened with that dead donkey?
• Jean Paul: I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898,
• Ben: Didn’t anyone complain?
• Jean Paul: Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.

Inflation is cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

In pizzeria
A forex guru (GURU) walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter (WAITER) asks him:
• WAITER: Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?
• GURU: I’m feeling rather hungry right now. You’d better cut it into eight pieces.

An investment banker stood at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The banker complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The fisherman replied, “Only a little while.”

The banker then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The banker then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”

The investor scoffed, “I am an Ivy League MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.
“The investor continued, “And instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would then sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution! You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?”

To which the banker replied, “Perhaps 15 to 20 years.”

“But what then?” asked the fisherman.

The banker laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions!”

“Millions. Okay, then what?” wondered the fisherman.

To which the investment banker replied, “Then you would retire. You could move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

 How much money do you need?

“What’s considered enough money? Just a little bit more”.
(Will Rogers)

“If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars”.
(J. Paul Getty)

“A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you’re talking about real money”.
(Everett Dirksen)

 A couple of thieves broke into my holiday apartment and stole 10,000 Euros. At least they didn’t take anything of any value.

 – If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have ?
– Someone else’s coat.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

 Q: Which one of our natural resources will become exhausted first?
A: The Taxpayer.

– Why are diapers like $10 bills?
– Because you have to change them.

 My mother decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, “Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.” “Good”, my dad quickly replied. “Wash it again!”

 Car Wars

A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, “Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?” The Rolls owner nods.
“So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?” The Rolls owner nods again.
“Me too. What about a double bed?”
“No. Do you?” asks the Rolls guy.
“Yep.”
The Kia owner peers out. “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!”

 The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies’ night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over.
I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me!
Now everyone’s attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

 Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the attention of your broker?
A: Say, “Hey, waiter!” (he’s waitin always to get the price…)

– My broker has a new service where they will text you your balance.

– It’s cool, I just don’t think they should add “LOL” at the end.

 There are two types of economists:
– those who cannot forecast interest rates, and
– those who do not know that they cannot forecast interest rates.

Are you a trader?
You know you’re a trader if…
Your colleagues call you “PIP Daddy”
You know you’re a trader if …
Anyone got ideas?????

A wife comes in and yells, “Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!” Her husband yells back, “But what should I pack?” The wife replies, “I DON’T CARE! JUST PACK AND GET OUT!”

 – Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have?
– I would have five dollars…
– You don’t know your arithmetic, Johnny…
– You don’t know my father, Mrs. Mutch…

 A Dollar Per Point

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

I’ll send you some money

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.
Mom said: “Sure, sweetie. I’ll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uh, oh yeah, OK,” responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked: “Well, how much did you give the boy this time?”
Mom said: “Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!”

 An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant.
“Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.”
“How much does the middle parrot cost?” asks the accountant.
“That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts”.
The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. (c) Clint Eastwood

Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Stockbroker: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second …

 A woman was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang. She threw on her towel and went to the door. Dave, a poker buddy of her husband’s was there. He looked at her in her towel for a minute and whispered “I’ll give you $500 right now if you take of your towel for just 10 seconds! That’s $50 a second!” She thought about it a second, and then took off her towel. He smiled, gave her the money and walked away. When she walked back into the bedroom, her husband asked “Was that Dave? Did he bring the $500 he owed me?”

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, “Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?”

“Yes we have, your honor,” the foreman responded.

“Would you please pass it to me,”

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, “Please read your verdict to the court.”

“We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery,” stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the “not guilty” verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant’s attorney turns to his client and asks,

“So, what do you think about that?”

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,

“I’m real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?”

 The best way of saving money is to forget the person you borrowed it from.

 William: May I have some money for the man crying outside?
Mum: What crying man ?
William: The one that’s crying, Ice cream! Ice Cream!

 ‘Five dollars for one question!’ said the girl to the fortune-teller. ‘That’s very expensive,isn’t it ?’ ‘Next!’

 A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”

The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”

To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

New mattress
A man (MAN) calls his fx dealer (DEALER) all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says,
• MAN: Close all my positions, everything fast, right away.
The fx dealer tries to talk to the man but the man says,
• MAN: Let me tell you a secret. You know I’ve been married for 6 years now and I’ve been your client for 5 years.
• DEALER: Yes, go on, the FX dealer says.
• MAN: Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the GBP crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the FX market and always leave all our money under the mattress.
• DEALER: Wow, I didn’t know that. I guess you want the money because you are losing.
• MAN: No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days.

 Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

 Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
“I’ve lost five cents,” sobbed Johnny.
“Don’t worry,” said his dad kindly. “Here’s five more for you.”
At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
“Now what is it?” asked his dad.
“I wish I’d said I’d lost ten cents!”

 A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.

The husband said I’m sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said “I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.

The husband replied” Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

 It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. “Let’s try to make this look natural” she said. “Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder.” The father answered, “If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?”

The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.

 I saw a bank that said if offered 24 Hour Banking.” But I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced his altitude and saw a man below.
“Excuse me, but can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but
I don’t know where I am,” he said.

The man below replied: “You are in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and
between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude.”

To which the balloonist replied:
“You must be a broker.” To which the man on the ground said:
“I am, but how did you know?”

The reply came from above: “Everything you told me is
technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I’m still lost.
Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The man below responded: “You must be a trader.”
To which the balloonist replied: “Yes, I am, but how did you know?”

To which the man on the ground said: “You don’t know where you
are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have
no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks.

The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.

The man says “I’ve got a Rolls Royce — keep it until the loan is paid off — here are the keys.”

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.

Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.

The loan officer asks him, “Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?”

The man answers, “I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?”

Collected ‘Funny’ Trading Book Names

Trading in the Twilight Zone
How I made $20 in the Stock Market
Stock Market Blizzards
Probably High Trading
Technical Analysis of Stock Traps
How to Make Money in Stockings
A Random Hock Down Wall Street
Trading is for Dummies
Options, Pricing, and Futility
To Kill a Martingale
“Getting Finished in Options” , the Last Edition
Options as a Tragic Investment
Trading for a Survival
Come into my Trading Trunk
Technical Analysis of the Fickle Markets
How to make a fortune selling books about the Stock Markets
Fraud Like a Hedge Fund
Lucky Market Lizards
Reminiscences of a Commission Generator
Trading for a bankruptcy filling

 How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company? He was shocked.

 Sex is like my trading account. I lose interest as soon as I withdraw.

 Father to daughter upon her announcing her engagement: “What does he do? Does he have any money?”
Daughter: “You men are all alike. That’s the first thing he asked me about you!”

 A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.’

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.’

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’

 Money is always there, but the pockets change.

One day a young man came up to my window at the bank and whispered, “Please deposit this hundred dollars in my savings account.” I handled the transaction and whispered back, “Have a good day.” He started to leave but changed his mind. “I’m sorry we have to whisper,” he said, “but if my car knows I’ve deposited money, it’ll break down again.” With his finger to his lips he tiptoed out.

 A beautiful woman entered a bar and sat next to a lawyer. “Listen honey,” she said, “For $50, I’ll do absolutely anything you want.”

The lawyer pulled fifty dollars from his wallet and said, “Paint my house.”

 After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news:
“Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.”

An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been
robbed 3 times by the same bandit. “Did you notice
anything special about the man?” asks the agent. “Yes,” replies the
teller. “He was better dressed each time.”

 My sister fell in love at second sight. When she first met him she didn’t know how rich he was.

 Inheritance

When George found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles club where he checked out the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty was astounding it took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 15 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

dialogue between two friends:
– I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?
– Neither, just a plain simple ass.

 Ted said to his friend, “can you lend me $10”? “But I only have $8”, his friend replied. “Thats OK, you can always owe me the other $2!”

 A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

– Where do vampires keep their savings?
– In blood banks.

 – Can I borrow that book of yours “How To Become A Millionaire”?
– Sure, here you are.
– Thanks, but half the pages are missing. What’s the matter?
– Isn’t half a million enough for you?

Dave has been a cheap tight-wad his whole life.
His family gathers around him as he lies on his death bed.
Dave peers up at them and asks, “Is everybody here? Where’s Bessie?”
“I’m here.” his wife says.
“The kids?”
“We’re here, Dad” they reply.
“Don’t worry Dave, everybody’s here.” Bessie reassures him.
Dave jumps up in bed and yells, “Well, if everybody’s here then why is the light on in the kitchen?!”

The student and the professor of economics.

A student asked a professor of economics:
– What is the difference between socialism and capitalism ?
The professor answered:
– Capitalism is the exploitation of humans by humans
The Student:
– And socialism ?
The professor:
– It’s the inverse of course.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a stockbroker– he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed.”

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they’d do if they had a million pounds. John handed in a blank sheet of paper. John! yelled the teacher, you’ve done nothing why?!
Because if i had a million pounds, that’s exactly what i would do said John!

 A woman returns to her car after shopping and is furious to find the side of her car is smashed in. On the windshield is a note. Relieved she picks it up and reads what it says: “As I’m writing this a bunch of people are watching me. They think I’m writing down my name, number and insurance information. But I’m not.”

 “It’s weird, though, ’cause this is my first time job and everything, but I could’ve sworn I was making more money in college just working for my parents as their daughter.” – Melanie Reno.

 The cost of living is so high now. My wife is having to have sex with me because she can’t afford the batteries.

 A student asked a professor of economics:
– What is the difference between socialism and capitalism ?
The professor answered
– Capitalism is the exploitation of humans by humans
The Student:
– And socialism ?
The professor:
– It’s the inverse of course.

Einstein
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. “I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others” he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. “See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!”
“Why that’s wonderful!” Says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”

“And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!”
“Why that’s wonderful!” Says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”

“And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!”
“That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last room mate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”
Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”

Inflation allows you to live in a more expensive neigbourhood without moving.

BULL MARKET – a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET – a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

 Q: Why did God create analysts?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

 “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.” – Brendon Francis

 Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. ‘If you had ten dollars,’ said the teacher, ‘and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?’

‘Ten,’ said Little Johnny firmly.

‘Ten?’ the teacher said ‘How do you make it ten?’

‘Well,’ replied Little Johnny ‘You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get it!’

 Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

 A young girl and her father are looking at a nursery full of newborn babies. All of them are crying.
Girl: Are they hungry?
Dad: No…They just found out they’ll have to pay for the stimulus bill.

 If you put two economists in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Lord Keynes, in which case you get three opinions.

 Interviewer: What is recession?
Candidate: When “Wine and Women” get replaced by “Water and Wife” that critical phase of life is called “Recession”.

 Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out ” I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table!” The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again. The third boy goes in ,sees the five dollars and cries out,”I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!”

 An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the doorframe of his office. Asked what it was for, he replied “it is a good luck charm that helps my forecasts”.
“But do you believe in that superstition?” he was asked.

“Of course not!” he said, “but it works whether you believe in it or not.”

Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he’d get the job.

Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount. “Amazing!” the manager said. “How did you do it?”

“Easy,” Schneider replied. “I told him if he didn’t pay up, I’d tell all his other creditors he paid us.”

 “Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns

 – Why did your sister feed money to her cow?
– Because she wanted to get rich milk.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows
and only four tellers?

 From a trader: “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”

 At the scene of a bank raid the police officer came running up to his inspector and said, “He got away, sir!”
The inspector was furious. “But I told you to put a man on all the exits!” he roared. “How could he have got away?”
“He left by one of the entrances, sir!”

Case in the firm
The owner (OWNER) of a large brokerage firm made a surprise visit at the sales department’s floor. After a quick tour he reckoned that someone was standing near the secretary, doing nothing. He turned angry and red, approached the guy (GUY) and asked him:
• OWNER: What’s your salary, young man?
• GUY: Around $800 a week, replied the guy.
The owner pulled out $800 from his pocket, gave it to the guy and shouted:
• OWNER: Here’s your salary. Take it, leave now, and never come back!
After regaining calmness, the owner turned to the floor manager and asked him:
• OWNER: How comes you hire such a lousy person for the sales department?
The floor manager (FM) answered:
• FM: Well, he doesn’t work here. He is just the pizza delivery boy…

 Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, “Where in the hell have you been?”

Larry replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

Parents: A bank provided by nature

The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.

 Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word — Goodbye.

My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it’s his!

Buddies
John meets his buddy George and asks him:
• John: Do me a favour, could you lend me $100?
George checks in his wallet and his pockets, then replies:
• George: Sorry, pal. I got only $50.
• John: Only 50? Never mind. Give me the 50 you have, and you owe me another $50.

 Q: What’s the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
A: The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW’s.

A priest announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

 I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money that I’ll ever need…if I die tomorrow.
– Henny Youngman

 – Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them?
– I did!
– Well, heres the elastic band.

 A retired man visited a doctor to seek medical advice for what he suspects as new and very unusual health problems.”Doc, I feel shortness of breath, dizziness, cold sweats, can’t sleep. Do you think I will collapse any time soon?” Doctor: “Yep. You must be from Wall Street!”

Races
Soros and a Bernanke went to the races. Soros suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. Bernanke was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. Soros whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince Bernanke.
• Soros: You are too theoretical, he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: I told you, I knew the secret!
• Bernanke: What is your secret?
• Soros: It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine.
• Bernanke: But, three and five is eight,
• Soros: I told you, you are too theoretical! Soros replied, “Haven’t I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!”

 A policeman came upon a super-salesman about to jump from a bridge and yelled, “Wait, Fellow! Please don’t do that !!!”

The salesman said, “Why not ?” and proceeded to expound on his views on the shaky economy, declining family life and politics.

Shortly thereafter, they both jumped.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. [Spike Milligan]

 – Dad, would you like to save some money?
– I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?
– Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won’t wear my shoes out so fast.

 One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. ‘What are you doing?’ she asked.’I’m looking for my dollar bill,’ Max replied. ‘I lost it down the road.’’Why don’t you look for it there?’’Because the light’s better here!’

– What did the man do when he got a big gas bill?
– He exploded.

 A man went to his bank manager and said, ‘I’d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?’
‘Simple,’ said the bank manager. ‘Buy a big one and wait.’

What’s considered enough money? Just a little bit more. (c) Will Rogers

A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He’s out there now…trying to win a trip back!

Frog
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog (FROG) called out to them and said:
• FROG: Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman (OTHER WOMAN), aghast, screamed,
• OTHER WOMAN: Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!
The second woman (SECOND WOMAN) replied,
• SECOND WOMAN: Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!

THE CHANGING FACE OF CAPITALISM

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one and buy a bull.
* Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

* You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism):
* You have two cows.
* You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy influence with a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, accept an LAW tax promised credit payable in 4 year’s time, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
* You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* That one on the left is kinda cute…

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

Trading online is great…I find it really speeds things up.

I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before.

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

A man commented to his lunch companion: “My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she’d married a millionaire”. “You’re lucky”, sighed the companion. “My wife dreams that in the daytime”.

 Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.

 The economy is the only field in which two people can get the Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing.

 There are two things you are better off not watching in the making: sausages and econometric estimates.
(Edward Leamer)

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. – Mark Twain

Why has astrology been invented? So that economy could be an accurate science.

 A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

 “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope.

Economist
One day an economist died and was accidentally sent to hell. As we all know, all dogs and economists go to heaven, but in this instance old saint Peter was off his game and our economist joined all the rapists, murderers and forex traders in the underworld.
After a few weeks in hell the economist realises that it’s not such a bad place after all, it’s just chronically mismanaged. So he implements a plan.
Within a few months the economy in hell is booming. He has the budget in surplus which enables the devil to spend on infrastructure, and investment funds start to flow in, increasing capital expenditures throughout the entire hellish economy.
After a year or two God looks down and notices that the standard of living in hell has increased to the point that most of his angels are booking their summer vacations there. The beaches are lovely, and face it, heaven is the last place you’re gonna find someone who can mix a decent cocktail.
He phones the devil to ask what’s going on. Satan explains that they have employed the services of an economist to fix their economy.
God is not happy. “You know that all economists go to heaven” he yelled, “send him back immediately or we’re going to sue you”
The devil just laughed and replied, “As if! Where are you gonna get your hands on a lawyer?”

 A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?” God replied, “1 second.” The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?” And God replied, “A penny.” Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?” And God replied, “Just wait a sec.”

Business Ethics

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?

 Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before

 A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being processed, he passed a room where an economist he knew was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.
“What a crummy deal!” the man complained. “I have to burn for all eternity and that economist spends it with that gorgeous woman.”
An escorting demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

 “Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.” – James Baldwin

A woman proudly told her friend, “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire.” “Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked. “A billionaire.”

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. (c) J. Paul Getty

 – What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean?
– A good start.

 – Why do wallets make so much noise?
– Because money talks.

 Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

 “If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.”
– Errol Flynn

 I just went partners with my bank. They own half my car.

 When a habit begins to cost money it is called a hobby.

 Fluctuations

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange line in a New York bank with 2000 yen, and he walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady said, “Fluctuations.” The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”

 Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, “Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”

“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS…and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything.’”

 A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they’d have to drastically alter their life-style.

“If you’ll just learn to cook,” he said, “we can fire the chef.”

“Okay,” she said. “And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.”

 Economy – purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

“Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

If you owe the bank $100, that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.

 The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.

 A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, “This is a muck up!”
“Don’t you mean a stick up?” asked the girl.
“No,” said the robber, “it’s a muckup. I’ve forgotten my gun.”

 When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 190. “Wonderful,” exclaimed Einstein. “We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity”. The second answered 150. “Good,” said Einstein. “I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand’s nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace”. The third New Zealander mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, “So what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?”

 A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I dont, Ive been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, Ive been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

 – I see your previous boss says you were a real live wire salesman. I’m pleased to know that! What were you selling?
– Live wires, sir!

 Jesus saves. But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?

 A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”
“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

 The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

 Bank manager: I’m sorry, sir, you can’t open an account with this sort of money. They’re wooden pieces!
Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account.

 The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
He announced, “I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!”
“What are you worried about?” asked the other. “We’re both here.”

 Top Ten Signs You Need a New Bank

10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other.

9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast.

8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon.

7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don’t speak English.

6. You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault.

5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin’ Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil.

4. All cash deposits go directly into teller’s pants.

3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.

2. Toll-free customer service line is: 1-800-GET-HOSED.

1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez

A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.

The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, “Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog”.

The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student.

The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, “Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot”.

SPREAD:
The only reliable way to make money on the FX market, which is why your broker charges you one.

A new manager spends a week at his new Broker office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, “I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can’t solve.”
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong – the usual stuff – and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “Blame your predecessor!” He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious market problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize!” This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says “Prepare three envelopes”.

Currency exchange
A Japanese guy (J) is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While he’s waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars.
He counts his money at the counter and says to the clerk (C):
J: Wait a minute. When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. What’s going on here?
C: Fluctuations.
The Japanese man stiffens.
J: Well! Fluck you Americans, too!

“What! No E-mail?”

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.25 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.” Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!” After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!” Moral of this story: 1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life. 2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. 3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you’re probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire. 4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

 Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. “I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others” he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. “See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!”
“Why that’s wonderful!” Says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”
“And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!”
“Why that’s wonderful!” Says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”
“And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!”
“That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last room mate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”
Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”

 An economist is someone who gets rich explaining others why they are poor.

 Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs “give me your money,” he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, “you can’t do this – I am a United States congressman!” “In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”

 How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.

 The most succesful female financier was Pharoah’s daughter. She went to the Nile bank and floated a prophet.

Money can buy a House…………But not a Home
Money can buy a Bed…………..But not Sleep
Money can buy a Clock…………But not Time
Money can buy you a Book………But not Knowledge
Money can buy you Medicine…….But not Health
Money can buy you Sex…………But not Love

 Q: With the current market turmoil, what’s the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.

 Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.

Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”

“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”

“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed.

“How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

Smart Investing
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Meaning of… ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the
difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?”

The girl replied, “Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between
‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The boy replied, “Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers
and a future congressman.”

A Japanese guy (J) is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While he’s waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars.

He counts his money at the counter and says to the clerk (C):
# J: Wait a minute. When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. What’s going on here?
# C: Fluctuations.

The Japanese man stiffens.
# J: Well! Fluck you Americans, too!

Management student kisses a girl.
Girl: Whats this?
Boy: Its called DIRECT MARKETING.
(Girl slaps the boy)
Boy: What is this?
Girl: This is CUSTOMER FEED BACK.

 Bankers are people that help you with problems you would not have had without them.

Day Trading Terms

Advisor – the one who charges money for a piece of stock advice to cover his/her losses on the market.

Advisory Service – an advisor who lost a considerable amount of money and started new business.

Afternoon – a daily chance to give back the money you made that morning (see Friday).

Apprentice – anyone who peers at your screen shortly after you closed a profitable deal.

Average Down – what you have to do if you opened a long position and had to go to the bathroom.

Average Up – what you have to do if you opened a short position and had to go to the bathroom.

Bad Trade/Stupid Trade – an unprofitable deal that someone else carries out which does not fit your trading strategy.

Bottom – (when you have an open long position) the spot where you give up averaging down and sell; (when you have an open short position) the spot where the book recommends you to open a short position.

Break – a pause you take when you have either 2 profitable or 5 unprofitable deals in a row.

Broker – someone who studied hard and has a license to legally lose your money for a minute additional fee.

Canadian – the one who is short any stock you have.

Chart – what you check after you exit trading, trying to understand what went wrong.

Cheap Stock – a stock the price of which will decline as soon as you decide not to open a short position on it.

Confusion – 6 open positions.

Coyote Syndrome – when you feel an irresistible impulse to bite your own arm off so as not to click the mouse again.

Day Trading – trading which you start too late and exit too early.

Double Up – a phrase you employ to explain your open position after you accidentally bought more instead of selling what you had.

Down On The Day – a temporary situation until right after the next deal.

Excellent Company – any stock you know nothing about on which you carry out a profitable deal.

Excellent Long Term Investment – Position Trading that went the wrong way right after you opened a position.

Expensive Stock – a stock the price of which will rise as soon as you decide not to open a long position.

Expert – a newbie who has not begun to trade yet (see Licensed Expert).

Fossil – a rather aged dude, making less than 90 deals per day.

Freak – the one who can carry out three profitable deals in a row.

Friday – a weekly opportunity to give back everything you gained that week (see Afternoon).

Fundamental Analysis – the process of checking if you can open a short position on a stock.

Gap Up – a stock that has a higher opening price than a closing one was the day before, and will go down if you buy it, but will continue to go up if you sell it.

Genius – what you are in the eyes of an Apprentice if Lady Luck favours you 3 times in a row.

Halt (stock) – (an open position) impending really good news or really bad news, but anyway, the scariest thing possible to happen.

Highlight – selling into the rally while a dude on TV provides the complex reasons why the stock is special.

Home Run – every single deal you thoroughly consider, tell other traders about and then do not make yourself.

Huge Player – 1. A guy with over 15 thousand dollars left. 2. Any trader that has been in such a situation for more than three months.

Idiot – a fool that gives you his stock to cover your profitable short position.

INCA – (if a long position is open) some creep that puts up a 50,000 share offer right when you open a long positon; (if a short position is open) the same guy, opening a long position.

IPO – expensive cyanide.

IPO (Internet) – expensive cyanide flambé with sugar.

Joker – a professional who takes a break to laugh to himself (see Professional, Break).

Level 2 – the circle in Hell where Satan explains an extremely complicated way how to lose a great amount of money for a very short period of time.

Licensed Expert – a dude with a Series 7 license who has not started trading yet.

Loudmouth – 1. Anyone that says anything near you, while you are losing a deal. 2. A newbie who cannot pull the trigger at first, but finally does it, screaming: “Yahoo! It’s running!”

Lucky Deal – a profitable deal someone else made that does not fit your strategy much.

Lunch Money – what you waste away between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. (ET).

Manager – a day trader who found out a Never Lose Trading System.

Margin – (if you are up) a safe situation with huge potential return (if you are down) an evil trick by Unseen Forces that can cause you losing more money than you have.

Margin Call – what happens when your clearing firm makes an accounting mistake.

Market Maker – the one who set up a secret video camera behind you and who takes the other side of each of your unprofitable trades.

Moron – a blockhead, buying your profitable long position.

Moving Average – a curly line that has nothing to do with the price movement if you have an open position.

Pain – exiting at loss, reversing your position on a stock and then watching it go the way you knew it would in the first place.

Position Trading – day trading that went the wrong way right after you took a position.

Pro – a guy at trading centre who says nothing and keeps smiling all the time (see Joker).

Scalping – losing only an eighth in one go.

Secret Deal – a deal that you do not tell about to the Apprentice when he asks you how you are doing.

Short List – a daily list of stocks that will rise and never pull back.

Short List Request – a request submitted to the clearing firm which contains a list of all stocks that you could open short positions on yesterday and tomorrow, but not today.

Short Squeeze – (when you have an open short position) when a person that you have never met before and that should not have anything against you attempts to hurt you and your family on purpose; (when you have an open long position) a proof that you are a true genius.

Special Situation – when you watch your losing stop limit go by and open a position of larger volume instead of exiting trading (see Long Term Investment).

Spread – (if a deal is profitable) sharing your wealth; (if a deal is unprofitable) a malicious market maker who rips you off.

System Trading – a phrase you employ to explain to the Apprentice how your trade did not work out the way you meant.

Technical Analysis – (traditional) a voodoo, the animal blood and chanting excluded; (Point and Figure) a really weird voodoo, the animal blood and chanting excluded.

Top – (when you have an open long position) the point on the chart where the stock price backs off fast before you get out; (when you have an open short position) the exact spot where you cover.

Trainer – the only man in the room who has never tried intraday trading in his life.

Trend Line – an imaginary line on the price chart that only changes when the market is closed or when you are not looking.

Up On The Day – what you are when the market closes, not taking into account ticket charges.

Uptick – (when you have an open long position) added hope; (when you have an open short position) a market maker, letting everyone else in; (if no positions are open) a good chance to lose some money through opening a short position.

Volume Spike – (an open position) confirmation that you are either the smartest person or the biggest idiot on Earth; (no positions are open) confirmation that you are the smartest person on the planet, but you were not paying attention.

A rather frugal man asked the bank for a loan of one dollar and was
told he would have to pay nine percent interest at the end of the year.
For security he offered $60,000. in U.S. bonds. The banker, foreseeing
a potential depositor, accepted the bonds and gave the man a dollar.
At the end of the year, he was back with a dollar and nine cents to
clear up his debt and asked for the return of his bonds.
Upon returning the bonds the banker asked, “I don’t want to be
inquisitive, but since you have all those bonds, why did you have
to borrow a dollar?”
“Well,” said the tightfisted old gent, “I really didn’t have to. But
do you know of any other way I could get the use of a safe-deposit box
for nine cents a year?”

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

 “I was so poor growing up… if I wasn’t a boy… I’d have nothing to play with.” – Rodney Dangerfield

A guy wearing a singlet and slippers walked into the bank and practically shouted at the teller, “Yo woman! Who do I speak to to open a bloody bank account in this bloody bank?”

The teller politely told him to lower his voice as he was disturbing the other customers and that she would be able to open his bank account for him.

The guy was practically foaming at the mouth. “Don’t you tell me what to do! And no woman is opening my bloody account. You women are just good for cooking, cleaning and making babies. I wanna speak to a man!”

The teller got up in a huff, went to the bank manager’s office and explained the situation to him. The bank manager told her that while the customer was always right, this customer was definitely wrong. He went back with the teller to set the guy straight.

“About time a man showed up!” The guy was as loud, if not louder than before. “I just won $25 million dollars in the lottery and this bloody woman insisted that she’s capable of opening my bloody account for me.”

“She did, did she?” The bank manager was almost as loud as the guy. “She was just supposed to clean the windows and arrange the files. Don’t mind her. Let’s go to my bloody office and see what we can do about your bloody account!”

 A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist.
The woman asks, “Will this cure my illness?” The doctor answers, “No. But the six months will seem like a lifetime.”

 McDonalds just added another item to its $1 value menu… Citigroup stock!

 Washington, D.C. A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. “That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!” “You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those days.”

ONLINE BANKING

TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?

TECH: We’re an Internet service provider, ma’am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.

CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.

CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

TECH: I’m not sure I understand?

CUSTOMER: You know…Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?